Procrastination Tango

I'm finding that I have a pattern with writing. I hesitate and ruminate on what's going to happen in the next scene until finally, I feel like I know where it's going and then I psyche myself up for a few days until I can sit down and force myself to write it. Then I think, wow, that was easier than I thought! It's kind of good! Or it will be, once I revise and revise and OMG what did I write? and revise it some more. Then I realize that what I just wrote doesn't necessarily match up with what I thought I was going to write next, and I panic, and then the whole process starts all over again, leaving me with an average of one scene sequence and maybe 2,000 words done a week. Which is oh, about 8000 words less than my weekly goal!

It's especially annoying because when I started my current WIP I was so excited, and so clear on what I was going to write that I sat down the very first day and wrote almost 5,000 words! In something like 3.5 hours. The only reason I stopped was because I had to go to a family event. Usually when I'm writing, that's how it goes. I get this idea and it comes on so strong that I end up getting out of bed at 5am because I can't stand to sleep anymore and I need to get started. I find that the faster I write something, the more cohesive it is, because I'm right in the middle of it the whole time. Right now I feel my character's voice wavering. Not so much that I'm losing my who she is, but more like I know there's a ton of stuff I'm going to have to do in revisions to really make her personality come through.

I've been trying to figure out if the reason is because I have set this goal for myself to really write a book, and I have an outline that goes all the way to the end. In some ways I think I feel a little trapped knowing that I have to follow a path to a complete ending. Even though I am not particularly attached to the ending in the outline. I'm open to seeing what happens but I think I'm just at the point where I'm starting the middle of the book and I feel like I'm just flailing around in a raging sea of indecision. I feel like I have no idea how I'm going to pull all the threads I laid out together into one climax that doesn't suck. I'm worried the ending won't live up to the beginning, something I always hate. Or maybe it just seems harder because it's so important to me, and I think, like one of my crit partners said, that I "have a book" in there. This is probably the best writing I've ever done. I love my concept and I think other people will like it too. If I can just get it finished!

Thank God for Write or Die or I'd never get anything written!