Bringing on the Heartache

I'm about to bring on the heartbreak for my main character. Is it wrong that I am sort of insanely excited about this? And of course, I'm also feeling guilty.

I used to read writer's blogs when they would talk about how bad they felt about putting their characters through trials and tribulations as if they were real people and I would wonder what that must be like, to think of them that way. When writing screenplays, so much of a character's inner monologue is left out, and it's such a tiny snapshot of their lives, that I never really felt as connected to the characters as I do with the characters in my novel. I think writing in first person has something to do with it too. At any rate, poor Caitlyn has already gone through some pretty life-shattering events and is questioning who she is and all that good stuff. But recently, she just had something really awesome happen, something that has given her hope, and I am about to rip that hope right out from under her and leave her with practically nothing. I'm so mean.

It's a scary feeling. I'm moving right into the middle of my book. The thing I fear more than anything, even spiders! I'm at that point where even though I've plotted out some basic signposts to reach, I have no real idea what paths I'm going to take to each of them. It feels like my story is about to spin out of control and all I can do is follow along behind and hope for the best. As a serious control freak, this is the thing I hate and love most about writing. It's like going skydiving. It always feels like a risk, and I don't know if my parachute will open up and save me or not. Looks like I'm bringing on the heartache for myself too!

It's like the universe read my mind

No, really. I just spent half the morning writing a big old emo post about how I can't seem to write more than a couple thousand words a week and now Maggie Stiefvater posts this awesome post, totally calling me on my BS. Fortunately, after blogging, and before reading her post, I forced myself to sit down and hammer through a scene I had been terrified to write and 1,500 words later I'm excited about the new direction my book is taking. So yay me!

Thank you universe, internet, and Maggie for getting me back on track!

Also, if you haven't already, you must buy Maggie's book Shiver. Best book I have read in a very, very long time. Totally one of my new all time favorites and I don't even like werewolves. Or, I mean, I didn't.

Procrastination Tango

I'm finding that I have a pattern with writing. I hesitate and ruminate on what's going to happen in the next scene until finally, I feel like I know where it's going and then I psyche myself up for a few days until I can sit down and force myself to write it. Then I think, wow, that was easier than I thought! It's kind of good! Or it will be, once I revise and revise and OMG what did I write? and revise it some more. Then I realize that what I just wrote doesn't necessarily match up with what I thought I was going to write next, and I panic, and then the whole process starts all over again, leaving me with an average of one scene sequence and maybe 2,000 words done a week. Which is oh, about 8000 words less than my weekly goal!

It's especially annoying because when I started my current WIP I was so excited, and so clear on what I was going to write that I sat down the very first day and wrote almost 5,000 words! In something like 3.5 hours. The only reason I stopped was because I had to go to a family event. Usually when I'm writing, that's how it goes. I get this idea and it comes on so strong that I end up getting out of bed at 5am because I can't stand to sleep anymore and I need to get started. I find that the faster I write something, the more cohesive it is, because I'm right in the middle of it the whole time. Right now I feel my character's voice wavering. Not so much that I'm losing my who she is, but more like I know there's a ton of stuff I'm going to have to do in revisions to really make her personality come through.

I've been trying to figure out if the reason is because I have set this goal for myself to really write a book, and I have an outline that goes all the way to the end. In some ways I think I feel a little trapped knowing that I have to follow a path to a complete ending. Even though I am not particularly attached to the ending in the outline. I'm open to seeing what happens but I think I'm just at the point where I'm starting the middle of the book and I feel like I'm just flailing around in a raging sea of indecision. I feel like I have no idea how I'm going to pull all the threads I laid out together into one climax that doesn't suck. I'm worried the ending won't live up to the beginning, something I always hate. Or maybe it just seems harder because it's so important to me, and I think, like one of my crit partners said, that I "have a book" in there. This is probably the best writing I've ever done. I love my concept and I think other people will like it too. If I can just get it finished!

Thank God for Write or Die or I'd never get anything written!

Finally!

So I'm finally getting around to starting a writing blog. I have been meaning to forever, but every time I log into blogger I end up reading all the blogs I follow and then it's time for me to get back to writing. Hopefully this blog will follow my journey from completing my first YA novel, through the whole submitting to agents process, and all the way to publication because what's the point if you don't have goals, right? I'll also be reviewing books from time to time.

A little about me. I'm a filmmaker. I have written and directed my own screenplays and even won a few awards. I also direct and edit music videos. I have always loved to write, and was actually a Creative Writing major in college before I decided to pursue the film industry and graduated from film school instead. I figured one day I would write a novel, (one day far in the future) but in the past year, my love for YA has been rekindled and suddenly my mind was filled with the kind of ideas that would work much better in books than movies. So here I am. I have been so amazed by the community of YA writers, it's so welcoming and supportive and have made me feel like writing a book is something I can really do.

What I'm writing - my current work in progress, Sleeper, is best described as My So-Called Life meets The Bourne Identity. Yes, really! I guess you could call it something like a YA Contemporary Sci-Fi Thriller or Urban Fantasy. I'm just about 20,000 words in, and am hoping to finish the first draft by the end of August. I also have an untitled YA Paranormal Romance in the works. I'm 10,000 words into that one but I put it on the backburner when the idea for Sleeper popped into my head.

Anyway, that's it for my first post. Whew! That was easier than I thought!